The whole point of this website is to reflect on, and document, my transition from academia. This is a journey still very much ‘in progress’. Yet so far, in all my previous posts, my mind has taken me a different direction, trying to build a framework for the inevitable, almost existential discussion that ensues. There’s a lot of to-ing and fro-ing in my mind which, I hope, will benefit from putting pen to paper. I feel a need to express my thoughts in the hopes that something sensible will emerge. Something decisive. Clarity. Direction.
Today I want to decode the fear which is holding me back from making a firm decision. Because as you know, dear reader, I’m still working inside the university. As I have been for the past twenty years. My experience is still anchored in this inner world. To do anything else is scary. Because I don’t know anything else. It requires a firm decision to leave, which is perhaps the scariest part.
That’s one substantial realization in this entire process: it’s a decision. Free will is at play here. Nobody is holding me down/back or preventing me from changing careers or leaving my current job. Tradition is trying to slow me down, along with a host of very practical responsibilities, which can’t be completely ignored. But when I consider my options in this way, it’s hard to see an insurmountable problem. All that remains is a decision – to stay or to leave. It’s mine and my family’s to make.
The next logical question is ‘to where?’ That is, leave what I’ve known for so long in pursuit of what other opportunity? Is there another job waiting? Something exciting lined up? Something adjacent perhaps? In another sector entirely?
Well, no. Not exactly. Leaving academia would be a significant leap of faith. One that won’t be smooth or rapid. Not without all sorts of risks. A change that would include moving cities. Again.
The truth is, I don’t have a concrete plan. It would be ideal to have a landing pad. But things don’t always work out that way. There are many excuses to stay, to embrace the comfort, to ‘endure’. But in the grand scheme of life, money or uncertainty shouldn’t hold that much power in how we determine our lives. Not knowing how things will turn out isn’t reason enough to avoid trying.
I’ve been pondering this move for so many years. But only recently have I actually made any progress in my thinking. An accumulation of experience, discrete conversations, and thoughts has brought me here, closer to taking action than ever before. On the precipice of something different. Perhaps something great(er). Or, at the very least, something worth pursuing.
I’m in search of meaning and value. A vocation that is more purposeful and heart-centred. Something that leverages my skills and experience, recognizes and supports my authentic self, and affords me the opportunity learn and grow. It doesn’t need to be my passion, but it needs to satisfy the many things which I feel are absent in my current profession and daily chores.
I don’t think I’m delusional in pursuing these goals. I’m well aware that I might not find what I’m looking for in the end. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth taking the leap. The transformation could be just as exciting as the goal, as long as I’m mindful along the way. Not to try, not to dare, not to take this risk, would be far worse in the end. It’s a matter of perspective.
I’m not losing or giving up but rather choosing a new path. Trying to, anyhow. I know that I have a foundation of experience on which to continue building. Nothing is lost. Perhaps more will be gained in the end.
When I reconsider my biggest fear, then, it’s not in making the decision. I’m already part-way there. It’s the pragmatic fear of being jobless with family and financial responsibilities. That’s a vey real thing whose importance I can’t diminish, because it’s simply too prevalent. But it can’t be a principal roadblock to change or action. That would be assigning it too much power over my life, which I refuse to do.
What I’d much rather do is to start listening more intently to what my intuition has long been telling me. Which is: go for it.